The festive season is upon us and whilst it means that Christmas is on its way, it also means that the ski season is about to kick off. The joys of that first run of the season, the first stein at the bottom of the slopes, the first needless round of toffee vodkas and the first over-excited snog during après with a guy who looked more than palatable with his beanie and shades on but he’s now taken them off and looks more like Rhona Martin than Ricky Martin and won’t stop following you around – are just round the corner.
Seasonaires are already in situ, practicing pulling pints and cooking fry ups whilst completely blotto, French Ski instructors are working on new lines to emasculate husbands in front of wives during lessons and reps are trialling different methods of medication to keep the stomach steady during those winding journeys up the mountains following a colossal night on the Johnny Cash. That’s right, lifts will be opening over the next few days across the Northern Hemisphere for avid skiers and snowboarders who are chomping at the bit to cash in on the sport they’ve been missing for the best part of half a year.
Christmas however, has always been a favourite of Willyfinder’s until 2015 was sullied before it even got off the ground. Like many people, Willyfinder absolutely loves attending as many Christmas parties as we can invite ourselves to, dressing like a complete cheddar and getting absolutely bat-faced despite the fact it’s a Tuesday night.
Standing out – for reasons other than being a massive bell – was becoming harder and harder though as my Christmas jumpers were being constantly outdone following Primark’s quantative easing in the market. My waistcoat last year was made to look positively amateur following the genius idea to bring whole scale Christmas suits into play. This year had to be special. And then, in a moment of inexplicable inspiration, the idea was born. Despite being tone deaf and booed out of our guitar lessons aged 5, Willyfinder was going to buy a novelty instrument and take it to all parties, safe in the knowledge that we would be able to ping off a couple of classic carol melodies, much to the delight of the adorning crowd. A bit of research on a well known search engine and we stumbled across the apex predator of all novelty instruments. The Melodica.
Before we’d even drawn breath, our weapon of choice had been purchased, pulling the debit card out of our Buzz Lightyear wallet quicker than Cool Hand Luke drew his gun out of his holster. The provider who won’t be named – let’s just called them Schmamazon Schmime for the time being – promised next day delivery and being a frequent buyer of parp from the internet, we had no reason to believe otherwise. Fast forward 6 days and Willyfinder is currently Melodica-less. It’s our first big party of the season tonight and not only will we be failing to “wow” the crowds with our topically twee performance, we haven’t even improved on our yuletide waistcoat from last year. In fact, if anything, we’ve gone backwards because last year we had some green trousers to accompany the red waistcoat but they’ve hit the buffers ever since we put them in the wash with a maroon T-shirt a few weeks ago. Bah. Bloody. Humbug.
In non weird news, stock is running remarkably low even at this early stage though especially if you’re looking for one of the Gherkin’s we’ve got on sale or one of our coveted Rhubarb and Custard ski suits, both as modelled below by two willing customers.
Other than that, do the honest thing and have a fantastic festive period and be safe in the knowledge that Willyfinder wishes you the merriest of Christmasses, with or without the Melodica.